I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
