i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
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