Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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