I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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