Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
