Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Randomize
