Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
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