Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize