at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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