What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
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