At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
