O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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