I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
