Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
