I didn't shave. On purpose
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
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