forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
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