Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
