i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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