Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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