Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
