We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Randomize
