I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
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