u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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