Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
