hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
