you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
