Pappa wants mamma naked
ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
