there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
