Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
