just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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