what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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