my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
