There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
