I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
