Hey man sorry I got all grabby
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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