1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
