We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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