Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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