She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Randomize
