another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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