Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
