totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
