She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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