Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
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