I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
