I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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