i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
