It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
