Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I enjoy the company of your penis
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
