I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
