Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
