She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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