Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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