Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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