I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
