"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Randomize
