it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Randomize
